Currently Listening August and Everything After Mr Jones see related

The worst news...

I lost my friend Natalie on Saturday. What an awefull feeling. I had just spoken to her on the phone earlier that day before a show and she was just as bright as ever. I cannot believe how terrible life can be. I don't have much to say about all this cause this one really hurts. But if I havent said it before I love all of you and hope that you are well. Be kind and forgive eachother. And whatever you do, do not grow tired of doing what is good. Fight a good fight and seek God. Learn about Jesus please and do not ignore your soul. I'm sorry I'm not a better friend to you all.

Benton

Currently Listening White Pony By Deftones whatever one Joe Musten wants see related

Yeah so uh......

.... I figured I'd write a new one cause honestly I've been a little slack about it all. I'm working on 4 records at the same time and its the worst idea ever.

My sisters came to visit me a couple weeks ago. Man I love those girls. I got to inroduce them to all my friends here in Carolina and of course everybody loves them. I hate to see them leave. They are kind of my objects of affection and they mean a lot to me so its very hard to be away from them for such long periods at a time. But all things must come to an end or atleast thats the cliche Im supposed to say to make myself feel better.

Music is the only thing that makes sense to me. I say that because the rest of life doesn't. Let me explain.

I have a basic understanding of songwritting and production and things of that nature but I suck at life. There you have it. I haven't been to church in like a month. I always have really good excuses but I still miss it. I haven't been in a bible study either. Its no wonder I'm confused about the normal stuff you get confused about (girls, life direction, friends, God's love, etc...)

Here is a secret for you. Although after you read this its not a secret and I guess that makes me kind of a hypocrite. When I get in a creative mentality it makes me very very weird. Logic takes a back seat and I get real paranoid about everything. M insecurities take a front seat and since I don't understand much about how my emotions work or God's grace it makes for a pretty precarious situation.

I suck at using big words

I have been so tempted to settle for less than what i know God has for me recently. In relationships and in my career I have never been so ready to give it up and do something else. Relax a little and live the safe life. Well to hell with all that. I'm not a quitter.

I'm waiting on Jesus but I'm not doing a very good job of it. Sorry this was all so random.

Currently Listening The Clarence Greenwood Recordings By Citizen Cope Sideways see related

I thought you might want me to write something new...

So here goes... My guitar player quit. Most of you know that. How do I feel about it you ask? It sucks. Don't get me wrong I love Ben Perkins. By the way he is our new guitar player. He is a phenominal talent. hope I spell phenominal right. At this point in time he is exactly what this band needs. But tim was one of my best friends and him leaving hurts. There I said it. Quote it, talk about it around the cooler or whatever you do. You dont get the details of this breakup and quite honestly you dont deserve it. Just know that God has a plan for tim and it aint urban. Thats all I have to say about it all.

I love being in this band. I love making this music. I will never quit. I have weathered some crazy things over the last 5 years and am a better man for it. I want success for these guys so bad. We work our brains out to learn and get better at entertaing you. I hope you appreciate it.

I guess I should say something spiritual now. God is cool. there. I know this whole blog is weird and know that I feel the same way about it. Right now I just feel numb. I have taken quite a beating over the last few weeks and its left me quite cold. So pardon me if I sound a little heartless but I dont get the luxury of sitting around and sulking cause my pride is hurt. I am respondsible for the dreams and futures of 6 other guys and I do not take that lightly. Jesus knows how I feel about him. And I prove it.

God is not mocked. I however am very mocked. Thank God I can give up worrying about my reputation. Because I feel like I will continue to be the ligtning rod for critisism and scorn because I have to make unpopular desicions and sometimes hurt peoples feelings. I do not have the luxury of making decisions with my emotions. I can only use God's wisdom, logic, and the counsel I have aquired over the 26 years I've been on earth.

Pray for me because I feel like I loose grasp of what love is every day. I want to feel my heart again. I've never been this cold hearted in my life.

Goodnight world

Currently Listening Midnite Vultures By Beck see related

I don't think I'm special anymore

I always thought that I was going to be a big deal. I thought I was gonna be a star of some sort. I would have the respect of everyone. People would look at me and think I'm somebody. They owuld read things or hear things about who I was and how I got to have all these admirable qualities. Maybe all these things were just what I wanted. But today I don't think I'm special. I don't think I'm a big deal. I don't think I even have the first clue as to what I'm doing or who I am going to be. In the past I have put down the idea of working 9 to 5 and having a schedule. Raising a family the traditional way and living behind a picket fence was just something I didn't understand. But not anymore. God bless you normal folks. Keep right on doing your normal things and living your normal way. You don't want to live this bull crap life of a musician. It's all paranoia and insecurity. Or atleast thats what I think of it.

For those that are disappointed I'm sorry. If you thought I was something I mislead you . I don't know where this leads me or where I go from here. One thing is for sure, it's time to rethink my whole life. Who I am and what God wants me to be has to start making more sense. My hope is that there is no better place to be. I miss my sisters megan and amy. If you ever get to meet them you will understand why I love them so much.

Good night world

its been a pleasure

What will happen to me tomorrow?

What a question. I wonder why I even worry about tomorrow when I am promised that I will have my needs provided for me. the word needs is so skewed here in America I wonder if I really know what my needs are. Do I need to be a successfull musician? Am I even good enough at it?

What I am not scared of these days is failure. I failed my brother bad about 2 days ago. Man that hurt my heart. I cried like a woman. Adam duritz has a line in a song called chelsea where he says " It's good for everyone to hur somebody once in a while" I believe it. It makes you remember what a jerk you are. Everyone has to know that they are a jerk. Then they remember how much grace God really shows them in a day. Thank God for grace. I didnt get to see Dionne today and that sucks. I missed the sanity.

Good night world.